the subject of darkness has become cliche and that sickens me. there is so much unused vernacular the goes to waist in the simple thought of one's mind being a black abyss and not progressing.. sadly to say i'm currently in that state. far happier than i've been in months and still struggling with sanity and it's over whelming emphasis on money and the need for thereof. would it be so bad to fall off the face of the earth and take some time on holiday. maybe try some time on ship and leave the trouble to land. all of these needless aches and pains when life is leaching away and regret after regret coming up to bite me in places none to pleasant. there is a guitar on my lap that with some effort will communicate my love for a young girl that has taken my heart and that alone makes the day worth waking for and the horror of my current residence completely satisfactory compared to the alternative of leaving her to go to sea, whether on a tall ship of otherwise, as thoughts of late have given to my wanting of adventure. i suppose just her letting me know she would accept me to do such and would still be there for me simply takes away the want and in turn gives the want to cherish every second with her that i may take in the love and affections she is give to give me. Never have i been... wary of leaving someone so dear to me. it's as if i would shrivel and die were i not to see her at the least once a week. the month away from her early on was not the worst pangs of missing someone as i've felt but when she is away of late, and i'm out of contact with this angel of my dreams, i seem to gain an all to real pain that leaves me in barely tolerable longing. even jealousy has risen in me in ways i've not felt in so long i was confused at such an emotion and had to relearn how to maneuver my energy around it that i don't become one that i would end up with more hate for myself as i've not seen as of late. i don't know that i know what love is but i would guess this is it and i would love that her family wants my company; again one of the strange symptoms of this madness taken hold of my taken heart. i shall continue this at a later date whence my mind is in another place and see where it can take me.